“Chore Extinction is tragic, especially if it is preventable.”
That was a statement from Roseanna, released earlier this month in her research paper, Millennial’s Manners Gone Missing. The paper highlights the millennial Species and its inability to put dishes in the dishwasher, organize a closet and vacuum more than one square foot of carpet. A recent study found that certain species no longer posses the knowledge of how to sort laundry and some even go so far as to over load the dryer.
Pictured here is a rare, never before seen photo of a Millienial, called Gionna in her natural habitat. Gionna seems to be contemplating how one organizes a closet.
“It’s a tragedy of epic proportions”, stated Roseanna, who has a millennial daughter, known as Gionna. “Just today I had to call a repairman to fix the dryer because Gionna put every item of clothing from since Moses was a little boy into the dryer. Last month, she caught the microwave on fire – who pops popcorn for 33 minutes and 33 seconds?!?” Roseanna added,”her room sometimes looks like she’s losing a game of Jumanji!”
The latest trend to rear its ugly head, according to Roseanna, is mixing whites with reds in the washing machine. This latest millennial defect has landed many the millennial on the critically endangered chore chart and therefore now at risk of extinction by the International Union for Conservation of Chores.
“The struggle is real”, says Roseanna. “I will do whatever it takes to bring awareness to this tragic situation. As God as my witness, she’s not going to break another appliance or be incapable of moving a dish 14 inches from the sink to the dishwasher. I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll never have pink dish towels again.”
Gionna’s Nonna was unavailable for comment due to an urgent hair appointment.
If you could be any age, what age would you be and why? Even if it were only for a day, what time of your life do you long to return to?
For me, I think that age would be four. There’s an innocence and wide-eyed wonder we still have at that age. I knew nothing of family conflict, physical abuse, divorce, lies or any other of life’s cruel realities. I loved absolutely everyone and everyone loved me. The world was a beautiful and peaceful place. It was truly a time free of worry. But what I remember most, there were no distractions – nobody seemed to be in the rush they are in today. Time from my loved ones was as available as the air that I breathed. And my mom was always there for me. I never woke up wondering if I would see or talk to her that day, I just knew that I would be able to. It was the one thing I could completely count on and trust in, she would be there, no matter what.
Almost four decades later, I still want all those things. I suppose what we want doesn’t change, just the people that we want those things from – they sometimes change. There is a primal sort of feeling in the way we want and need to know that there is someone out in the world that loves us, that cares about us – no matter what we have done, how we have acted or how unlovable we may be at the moment. There is a very deep security, a safety net even, knowing that someone you love, loves you back. It’s the voice you need to hear when everything seems as if it is falling apart; it’s the familiar hug that makes all your troubles disappear, even if it’s only for awhile; and it’s the touch of a loving hand on yours that without words, says, ‘it’s all going to be all right, I’m here for you’. When that is taken away from us, when we no longer have the person that provided us that much-needed and longed for security, the void left is very deep and irreplaceable. It’s an empty and hollow feeling like none I’ve ever known. Sometimes I wish I was a kid again – skinned knees are so much easier to fix then broken hearts.
“Where’d the days go, when all we did was play? And the stress that we were under wasn’t stress at all just a run and a jump into a harmless fall”