I started writing this the other night and in my multi-tasking frenzy, forgot about it. I know you’ve been anxiously awaiting to hear what happens in the wee hours of the morning over here…
Right now I feel about as sexy as Rush Limbaugh in a thong. I’m doing something I rarely do – I’m wearing sweats. I don’t judge other people who wear them, but personally, I feel lazy if I let them cover my body. I only own one pair and they are black. The last lucid memory I have before the sweats made their appearance was around 1:37 a.m. when I had a brief, yet intense altercation with Joey’s feeding pump. This encounter resulted in my wearing the contents of the feeding bag which then led to me putting on the forbidden sweats after I took the world’s quickest shower. I’m not sure it can even be classified as a shower…maybe more of a “rinse & shake”. Nothing got shaved, but I’m fairly certain soap was involved. The goal here was to rid myself of the dreaded formula stench and get back downstairs before my little Houdini got into more mischief. It’s almost humorous to me how all Joey’s doctors label him as ‘severely disabled’. True, he can’t walk, talk, sit, stand or even swallow, and his illness will take him from me one day, but I promise you, that brain of his functions just fine. He is mischievous as the day is long and he most definitely has my feisty temperament. His shenanigans keep me on my toes and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Hours later, I’m still wearing the sweats. When my doorbell rang earlier I was convinced Stacy & Clinton from “What Not To Wear” would be behind my front door. Worse, it was two Jehovah’s Witnesses. I opened the door and I think they were as sorry to be standing on my porch as I was that I opened the door. I had a certain, “Bride of Frankenstein” meets Gilda Rander’s Roseanne Rosanadana” look about me. For added glamour, I had a hint of raccoon eyes with enough baggage under both of them for a family of four vacationing for a month. Despite my appearance, they wanted to know how I was doing and if they could have a moment of my time. I love a good conversation as much as anyone so why the hell not. I proceeded to tell them how I was doing, I mean, they asked so they must have really wanted to know. I then turned the conversation towards Catholicism and expressed a great interest in their opinion on why the Pope left the Vatican. I said perhaps the Pope was simply giving up the Catholic church for Lent. All of this left these two young men speechless, as I figured would be the case. They told me to have a nice day and walked, rather quickly, away. Now, before you think I have something against Jehovah’s Witness, I’ll have you know I would have treated a Girl Scout selling cookies the same way. Ok, maybe not if she had Thin Mints. I really love Thin Mints although I feel there is a huge marketing misrepresentation in that particular cookie. They will make you anything but thin.
I was a girl scout once – for about a day – I hated the green uniform and I was never one to go door to door selling anything. I think now they put them through some type of Girl Scout boot camp sadistic sales training course. Some of those little girls are relentless when it comes to cookie sales. I very politely told a girl scout ‘no’ last year when she came to my home selling cookies and she wanted to know why I didn’t like cookies. I told her I did, but just didn’t want to buy any at this time. She went on to tell me that the other members in my family might want cookies and I should think of them. Are you kidding me?!? This girl clearly had a future as a politician or selling cars. I again told her no thank you and by this time she was deep into her sales pitch. I asked her where her mother was, as it was getting late in the day and she said she was at home.
No doubt drinking – heavily.